Deep Thoughts
A friend of mine brought up some ideas that I haven't thought to bring up before here on this Blog of mine. Deep thoughts, scary thoughts.
SUICIDAL THOUGHTS! Has anyone thought that their chronic pain was a burden to your loved ones and that by going "away" would solve the problem. I know that this topic for the most part is TABOO a NO-NO! Oh don't talk about that, hushed voices go through the room. There is no need to talk about that, you have EVERYTHING to live for as they list of all the so called good things in your life. While they do that, you list off all of the good reasons to lessen their burden and to go ahead....why not....you are sitting in a house/apartment/room, alone trying to keep it together with the help of meds and doctors. Each time you think of the the things that have failed. The meds, the treatments, the appointments. Each disappointment you keep to yourself because you think no one will understand your mood/spirit or lack therof. You sit and say everything was fine, they found nothing....nothing has changed. In a way they are right, nothing has changed....on the outside. Inside you are falling apart , just one more doctor, one more appointment, one more disappointment. They won't help, they don't know how. Especially people with the "invisible" illnesses like Fibromyalgia, Crohns Disease, Colitis etc. Then there are the people who are wired for sound and the treatment or surgery have failed them and they have limited options left to them. Your thoughts churn and churn.....who do you tell? Your family? Nah, they have all heard the stories before. Your online chatboard friends? Nah, they have their own problems. All you have left is you. And you have been here before...many times. Over and over the anguish and pain just churns round and round. What do you do with it??? For me, it is this Blog. For others, it is painting , poetry, writing books and going to meetings.
Please find your outlet, these thoughts are dangerous and can lead you down a bad path. As you can see, this Blog has been my voice, a voice I could never speak out loud for fear of being shamed, yelled at, pulled away from and just walked away from.
Speaking from experience, my family has pulled away from me, I cannot speak to my husband about every little ache, pain and ouchie. Trust me I have tried and for some reason he pulls into a shell and now there is this wall between us. The wall of Chronic Pain. The wall that will in my case never go away.
I hope for all of you, the wall of Chronic Pain has not become such a burden that you cannot express yourself in whatever manner you feel comfortable. A journal may be best for some, for me I went public I guess. A Blog is a public journal in a way.
When I was first diagnosed, there was very few places for me to go for support and information. In my own way, I want to show that people are not alone there are others, millions of others who share your feelings and experiences in various ways. Please if anything you take with you from this post YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!
Feel free to use this Blog to either email me using the link in my profile or use the link at the bottom of the post to make a comment. Don't worry, you won't hurt my feelings. Everyone reacts different and you have your right to feel the way you do.
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