Oh why today....why now?

Okay I am warning you all at this point that this is a why me....oh whoa is me post! So if you don't feel like reading about feeling sorry for one's self, stop now.

Okay those of you still with me, here is the ride.
I looked at all of the things I have to do today on my own.(Todd is at work.) Take out the garbage to the dumpster, do dishes, go to the doctor, do laundry. IT IS TOO MUCH! Too much today anyway. I feel nauseous. All I can stomach is diet coke and a Pria bar for lunch. I feel like shaving my head because my hair looks like crap. I have been coloring to try and make myself feel better the last year or so and now I am TOTALLY NOT happy with the color at all. I want my old hair back! You know, I am not sure what color it should be anymore. So I thought out loud and wondered if I should just shave it all off and save myself the grief. Todd being the man that he is, doesn't understand why and I should just let it grow out.
I feel useless and like a burden. I don't want to go back to bed because I won't get back up and I have my Rheumy appointment at 3:15 this afternoon. So I can't hide for squat today. I have to deal with what comes. TV is not my friend at the moment either I can't find crap to watch...even Jerry Springer who is good for some laughs is not even holding my attention for the briefest of moments. So here I am watch the National Geographic Channel watching something on monkeys. As you can tell by the amount I am typing it is really holding my attention. Actually trying not to be sick, is holding my attention more than TV. Anyway, normally I would chat away on my message board but there are more important things going on there than my whoa is meing. Talking to myself is what I do best anyway, because it seems no one listens to me from doctors to my family.
There are times I wish I had an illness more cut and dried like heart problems or cancer even (yes I know...please don't take offense). At least they know how to treat those illnesses, what meds work, what does not.
Fibromyalgia is just this cloud of confusion that most doctors DON'T want to touch nevermind talk about to you. Most of the time, it is a bunch of Black Magic anyway. Sometimes doctors don't even know what works but a combo of meds seems to work for one person and they don't know why. Try that combo on someone else and either nothing happens or it makes things worse.
Right now, all I want is some pain control so I can sleep, do things on my own so that I don't have to rely upon Todd who works 40 hours a week, and not feel so overwhelmed when it comes to these simple chores. I know they are simple, which is what makes things so infuriating at times. I am 33 years old. Quite capable of cleaning dishes, doing laundry, cleaning an apartment, and other simple things if I had a normal physical constitution. Just looking at this list annoys me to no end that I can't do them on my own most days. That I have to figure out a way to do them or else they don't get done. Pacing myself has NEVER been a strong suit of mine. I have always been the independent type and did things for myself. Now I rely on Todd for most things. Heck, I had to give up handling my savings and checking accounts, not once but twice in a year because I just can't handle it. Okay yeah, sure, some people can't add, I can't do that either, but I used to work in a bank and did very well at it for two years. Now I can barely keep a checking account from overdrawing. I don't know why it happens, I couldn't even tell you how it happens but it does and there I am looking at a negative balance on my account. Something so simple, yet it evades me.
Out of all the things I have to do today, I have done one thing, take out the garbage. Mainly because it was getting rather smelly and it was either do it or it was gonna get pretty stinky in here. So there was no choice there. I see the dishes and the bathroom need cleaning but the energy isn't there. On top of that, if I overdo things, I get sick and I am in bed for days. I need to find a way to balance things. I hope that the doctor has an idea of what to do, because I sure don't. The only thing that helps are pain killers. They help me ignore the pain just long enough for me to get through what I have to then I can crap out on the couch or bed.
Okay the downside of pain killers, most docs don't want to give them to people with Fibromyalgia and they fear addiction. Hell, I am NOT asking for Oxycontin or Morphine, or even uppers to get energy, just something to help. I don't even know if I have the energy to put up a fight for them today. I was in a fighting mood a couple of weeks ago and got Darvocets for a week to see if they would help. Now I don't know if it was a one shot deal and that is it or if I can convince my Rheumy that the Darvocets will help me function more like a human rather than a 3-toed sloth. On the Darvocets, I was able to clean my shower for the first time in months.(We have very hard water so it was getting pretty rusty looking) I was impressed with myself. Unfortunately I am going to need at least 4 a day(one to get up, one at lunch, one at bed and one just in case during the night) just to function "normally". Is that bad? I don't want to look like the infamous "drug seekers" that doctors and especially nurses and medical assistants seem to gossip about from what I understand.
My GP wants me to go back on the Duragesic Patches but they are extremely expensive and the DEA are watching doctors who prescribe them like hawks. Besides they didn't work out very well for me and didn't control my pain the way I wanted it to. I want to be in control of my meds not my meds in control of me. I would look like a drunk all day long , that is not what I want. I just want to be able to get things done without thinking about pain or fear pain. Is that too much to ask? I want to be able to do things on my own now without having to use up all of Todd's free time which working 40 hours a week is now at a minimum. I am disabled, I am home all day, I should be able to do SOMETHING! Know what I mean?
Well, that is enough from me for now. You will all get sick of me writing if I keep going for another hour until I have to leave for my appointment.
Cross your fingers everyone that I get the guts to ask for what I feel I need and that I get what I need.