Overthinkng? or Boredom?

I just recently came up with a couple of sets of lyrics that basically sum up how I have been feeling lately since Todd has gone back to work. One is by a progressive rock band called Dream Theatre and the other is a Bruce Springsteen song that was really a Jimmy Cliff song.

So, without further ado ....the lyrics


TRAPPED
(Jimmy Cliff) Bruce Sprinsteen

Seems like I'm caught up in your trap again
Seems like I'll be wearin' the same old chains
Good will conquer evil and the truth will set me free
And I know someday I will find the key
I know somewhere I will find the key

Seems like I've been playing your game way too long
Seems the game I've played has made you strong
When the game is over, I won't walk out the loser
I know someday I'll walk out of here again
And I know that someday I'll walk out of here again

Well now I'mTrapped
Ooh yeah Trapped
Ooh yeah Trapped

Seems like I've been sleeping in your bed too long
Seems like you've been meaning to do me harm
But I'll teach my eyes to see beyond these walls in front of me
Someday I'll walk out of here again
Someday I'll walk out of here again

Trapped Ooh yeah
Trapped Ooh yeah
Trapped Ooh yeah
Trapped Ooh yeah

Seems like I've been playing your game way too long
Seems the game I've played has made you strong

Trapped Ooh yeah
Trapped Ooh yeah
Trapped Ooh yeah
Trapped Ooh yeah

Pull Me Under
(Kevin Moore) Dream Theatre

Lost in the sky
Clouds roll by and I roll with them
Arrows fly
Seas increase and then fall again

This world is spinning around me
This world is spinning without me
Every day sends future to past
Every breath leaves one less to my last

Watch the sparrow falling
Gives new meaning to it all
If not today nor yet tomorrow then some other day

I'll take seven lives for one
And then my only father's son
As sure as I ever did love him
I am not afraid

This world is spinning around me
The whole world keeps spinning around me
All life is future to past
Every breath leaves me one less to my last

Pull me under Pull me under
Pull me under I'm not afraid
All that I feel is honor and spite
All I can do is to set it right

Dust fills my eyes
Clouds roll by and I roll with them
Centuries cry
Orders fly and I fall again

This world is spinning inside me
The whole world is spinning inside of me
Every day sends future to past
Every step brings me closer to my last

Pull me under Pull me under
Pull me under I'm not afraid
Living my life too much in the sun
Only until your will is done

'Oh that this too, too solid flesh would melt.'(with a little help from Shakespeare)

Both songs got me thinking as I am home alone waiting for Todd to get home from work, which I already know will be a long day. I am just feeling like a caged animal and I am not sure why. I have a car. I could just leave and go out. I don't have to answer to anyone as to where I am going but I feel stuck. Is it by outside forces or by my own doing? Where am I trapped in my mind or physically? I just don't know. Is it my illness that has trapped me? Or am I letting my illness trap myself? I am so restless, but I have no one to go to, no one to share things with. I don't have any money right now credit card, checking, savings or otherwise. So even if I did have a destination what is free in this world anymore?
I just feel like I am always waiting for something to happen to me or for me. I feel trapped by my body and my illness. It is like inside me, my body doesn't know what exactly to do with me. Whether it wants me to be totally disabled or just enough for me to slowly loose all that would be and is important to me.
I feel tears burning my eyes but I really don't have cause to spill them. There are people who are so much worse off than I am in this world but I feel for me to. I am caught in the world of the abled and disabled. At this point I am not sure even which side I am tired of fighting to become. Do I want to be known as disabled or abled anymore? Neither really gets me anywhere so I am stuck in this wash of a little of this world and that world, none of which seem to go together. I feel like two jigsaw puzzles, whose pieces were tossed in the air and then a ton were taken away and now all I have left are two incomplete puzzles, none of which will ever be finished. I didn't do it, its not my fault but why am I the only one who feels blamed when something happens. The "I should have known better" speech is one I heard many times as a child and still hear in my head regardless that I haven't seen either of my parents in years.
Can you be a failure in illness? I know that you can be told you are a failure at life (which I feel I am felt to be made so) but a failure at illness? Could there be more I am doing to help myself? Beyond what I already do?

Could there be more????

Results of Dr Goldenberg Appointment

Well, things went pretty good. He seems pretty impressed by what I am trying to accomplish with as little meds as possible. I told him what didn't work (Neurontin and Cymbalta) and what seems to (all the other meds I am on) and what has changed in the last 18 months since I last saw him.
Well, he wants me to go on Lyrica as soon as it becomes available in the US, which should be by the fall according to him. Unforuntately it was due to be out a year ago but because of the whole Cox-2 issues during the past year, the FDA are being very cautious of meds that help with pain. Eventhough Lyrica, which is more like Neurontin, than Bextra and Vioxx, they are being super-cautious and want to make sure that no mistakes like those that occurred happen again.
Beyond that, he is happy with my overall health and wants me to try and excercise more. I try but working out is still a new thing for me.
Now I will wait for the letter he will send my doctors and myself and see what the definite suggestions will be.
As usual they went as expected...even getting lost in the hospital....again!
Oh well, the price of going to a big hospital an having no clue where you are going.
That is all for now. See you all next update!

Appointment with Dr. Goldenberg Today

Well, its finally here, the day I go and see Dr. Goldenberg. I am a little nervous because I have to drive alone to Boston, but beyond that everything I am looking forward too.
I hope that he can suggest a new direction for my meds. It seems I have tried everything with no success. Maybe in his latest research he came across something that could help.
Each day about mid day, I am still feeling nauseous but each day it is getting better. I think that the Neurontin is messing my system up. It isn't the greatest day to go visit Dr. Goldenberg but I hope he can help with some ideas.
Wish me luck everyone!