Tuesday, November 15, 2005

My gift for messing things up

If there is one thing that I have learned from being chronically ill person is that I am bound to mess things up. Not by choice mind you, I never mean to, but purely by accident. What people don't mention about chronic illness is the insecurity you feel each day with the people around you and people you come in contact with each day. Each step I take I feel I am going to step on a landmine and destroy something. I did just that over the weekend.
Last Thursday was mine and my husband's 4th wedding anniversary. So as I do, I rush out get a gift and a card. I got nothing. So of course I internally start freaking out. We were planning to go out for dinner on Saturday so no biggie right? Wrong! I, of course, push the point that I have gotten nothing, not even a card for our anniversary from my husband. I felt forgotten. What I didn't know is that he was going to give me a very nice card at the dinner. So we had a big argument about how I "push" him into doing things that he doesn't want to do anything for me. Make sense? So of course I feel guilty for being a butthead and he feels forced to give me the card early.
Because of these insecurities I seem to mess things up at the most inappropriate times. I am trying to figure out why, but I may never know. I really hate being ill at times like these. I feel so alone and distant from everyone. Like no one gets it. I wish I could figure it out.