The Curse of Feeling Too Good (AKA doing too much!)

Good morning everyone!
I hope that everyone had a nice day yesterday and sleep last night. I didn't as usual. Even with the help of Dalmane, I am still only sleeping in streches of 4 hours or so. Unfortuntately, I only have so much to work with and no refills because this is an experiment with my psych nurse along with the increase in my Cymbalta and BuSpar at the same time. So you all know what that means, MESSED UP BODY TIME. I don't know whether I am coming or going. I am tired all the time and I would like to be up for at least part of the daylight hours. Yesterday I was out cold for about 4 hours or so.
For the next week or so, I will be watching an 8 year old boy for an hour each morning because his mom, who works at the Post Office and we know well because of eBay, asked if I would stay with him until his bus picks him up for school. Of course I say yes, one because I am such a nice person :) and two she is willing to pay $10 for one hour of work. Luckily, I can make up to $300 a month outside SSDI so I don't have to worry about doing something bad. Besides babysitting doesn't count. Does it?
Well, yesterday I was all set to go. Psyched up for my day and it was all planned. I would go to the house and get him ready for the bus, then go to the gym for my time on the treadmill. Well, the kid and bus went off without a hitch but the gym was another story.
I was going just fine, but then suddenly that infamous BRICK WALL hit me very cruelly. I was so disappointed. I went home so dejected and exhausted. Even a shower which helps so much after a workout, didn't even do the trick. After the shower, I immediately went to bed and passed out until about 1:30 in the afternoon!!! Sadness.
I really wish I could be normal. To not have to worry about doing to much in a day, passing out in the middle of the day, taking tons of meds just to keep going or to fall asleep.
I remember when I used to be normal. On the go, doing whatever I wanted, not to worry about what time it was so I had to take my meds, when they will take effect so I could be home on time. Just to go out without saying to my husband, we have to go I am getting tired, and ruining his fun. Sigh. Ah, to remember......

A big fat thank you!

Thank you everyone who has spent the time to send me comments on my posts. It feels good to know that people are reading this blog, with so many out there to read.
I am feeling much better today emotionally but physically I am exhausted. The Dalmane I found out has a very long half life and I am sleepy most of the day. Mid-day naps are the norm right now, which I don't mind since I am so tired. That green taste in my mouth has taken some getting used to but now I accept it and a good teeth brushing seems to help.
I tried to go to the gym today but I hit the wall and had to quit early. I was so disappointed in myself since I was doing so well. I guess all I can do is try again tomorrow.
I really don't have too much to add today since I spent most of the day napping and only got up a couple of hours ago. Funny part is I will be going back to bed in a couple of hours to keep with my sleep hygiene. As all of you know is so important to doctors that we all do.
Again, thank you for reading and I hope I have more to say tomorrow.

Feeling kinda blue

I am still working on this depression that has come over me the last few days. Unfortunately it coicided with the start of this blog.
Today will be another bed day for me. I know my husband won't really understand but I need to do this right now. I am feeling very vulnerable right now. Maybe his going to his best friend's father's wake yesterday brought up some memories of my own grandfather's wake and funeral. They both had Alzheimers and died from complications due to other things.
I never went to my grandfather's bedside to say goodbye after a night class I had and he died the next morning early. So I think I am bringing up all this guilt from it. It may take some time, but I will be okay soon. So even if I don't post daily, I will try to as much as I can.
Thanks for reading.

Does downhill always last this long?

Well, it is a new day....new month actually and I still feel blah. I am not crying as much but I think that going to my therapist yesterday for an emergency session helped alot. She upped my psych meds Cymbalta and BuSpar and she added Dalmane to help me sleep.
Dalmane is supposed to help people sleep through the night but so far the only thing it has really done is make everything I taste, tastes GREEN! Yes green. I think it might be from the capsule they come in. I will see if it goes away the more I take it.
Right now I am so tired and I just can't seem to get rested. So much has happened in the past month, that I am sure I will eventually go into, has driven me to go into my coocoon.
My eating is down the tubes. All I have had is an apple, a banana, salsa and chips, more chips without the salas and a piece of 12 grain bread yesterday. At least I am getting my fiber in. :-)
I think today will be another one of those days. I should go to the gym, but my hips hurt when I walk and I am just not mentally up to it today.
Well, I am sure I am boring you with my woe-is-me tales. Well, I guess hills gotta go up sometime. Right?

Ah yes, the sleep pattern of a chronic painer

Well, here I am in the middle of the night as usual. Can't seem to sleep no matter what they give me to try. The new experiment is Dalmane. It works but it makes everything taste green. Blech! I told my therapist about what was going on and that I wasn't sleeping to make matters worse, so we are upping my meds and adding the Dalmane. Can we say Zombie anyone? I told my therapist that I needed something that would basically knock me out for the night. I guess Dalmane isn't it, but I do get good sleep from it. My nightly back pain must be waking me right up.

I was in bed sleeping most of the day today until my appointment, which I never do. I usually fall asleep about 8 and up from 11 to about 3 then back to sleep until 6 or 7. I know that is seems like a full night of sleeping but when it is all broken up it feels like I sleep less. Yesterday I went back to bed at about 9 and didn't move until 2 or so.

Tomorrrow I am supposed to go to a wake of my husband's best friend's father. I don't know if I can handle it. I have been so depressed lately that I don't know if I can handle it. I guess I will find out later today won't I?
Well, that is all for now. Thank you for reading.

Chronic pain dumper day

Well day 2 of this blog thing. Not feeling like I should I guess. I am feeling very down. All I want to do is stay in bed and eat food that is bad for me. I am on a diet to try and loose all this weight that the lovely med Neurontin has put on me. I am 4 foot 11 and I weigh 170 pounds. I have lost 5 so far but I just have so far to go.
I just feel so sad. I went to visit my grandmother's grave yesterday for Memorial day and also visited my living grandmother and just felt so low. I have been having crying jags since yesterday and it seems there will be no end in sight. I am just so tired of everything today. I wish I could be normal. Whatever that may be. Sorry to cut this short, but I am new at this and after fighting for my rights on Thursday and Friday trying to get money back from people who take advantage of people who are low income and/or disabled I am just tired. That story is for another day.
I just feel like crying all day. Todd is around so it will be hard. Normally I go to the gym in the morning but today I sent my husband off alone so I can have some down time without him. We also just found out that Todd's best friend's father passed away over the weekend and now we have a funeral to go to. I liked that man and I don't know if I can handle it feeling the way I do the last couple of days. Besides, none of my "fancy" clothes fit me now because I am so fat. What is wrong with me????? I haven't felt this way in so long. I feel so alone. My family has all but abandoned me. No one calls or comes by anymore because I usually say I don't have the energy to. So now no one comes by. The only friends I have are all online(http://brain.hastypastry.net/forums/forumdisplay.php?s=&daysprune=&f=111) and thank goodness for them or else I don't know where I would be emotionally. I just can't type anymore now.
Thanks for reading.

Ah yes the beginning

As with many others in this world I am one of the millions who have chronic pain, Fibromyalgia to be specific along with Chronic Migraine, back problems, insomnia, depression and anxiety. Right now I am in a burnout phase where I don't know what do to with myself. I figured a Blog might help me sort out what exactly is going on with me, that maybe writing my give me some epiphany about myself and my life.
Well, the beginning, I was diaginosed in February of 2000 and my life has changed since. To name everything that has changed may take another post but I thought I would introduce myself.
My name is Wendy. I live in Shirley, Massachusetts and I am 33 years old. Too young to feel this darn old. I am married to a wonderful man who I have no clue why he puts up with me and the foibles of Fibromyalgia. I guess I am lucky....too lucky.
I hope to meet and converse with others who are in the same situation I am in but right now I just need to get things out. Eventually I will open the Blog up to comments but for now I need to figure things out as I type. Thank you for reading and joining me on my journey of self-realization.