Day 2 of pain free? or pain less?

Well now that the pills have been in my body for two whole days now and the nights are still the worst. I still wake up in pain so I keep my pain pills for the night time. So between the the Dalmane and the Darvocet I only wake up a few times a night to use the bathroom. Rather than about 10.
Today Todd and I are going around and try out his new car. We finally picked it up yesterday. He was cruising around all night enjoying himself for once. It is a Dodge Neon SRT4. Basically a Neon with a kick! Sorry couldn't find a car! He is very happy and so am I .....I get my car back!
Well, I have to go and shower, and get ready. Todd and I are going to lunch today too!

Finally some relief....okay just a little.

Well, I had my doctor appointment yesterday and I would have posted but I had a hard time logging into my Blog for some reason last night. So, I couldn't share my news any sooner.
I told my doc, that since Todd is going back to work, I can't rely on him anymore to do any of the housework that needs to be done like dishes, laundry and general picking up. I need to be able to do these things on my own now and the meds I am on at the moment do not give me that ability to do that. So yes, I got on my soapbox and let him have it. I also told him I fell in the shower and that none of my meds are controlling that pain either. I also told him about the night of incontinence.....very embarrassed to tell him about it though. I have stopped the Cymbalta because it wasn't working and I am also stopping the Neurontin for the same reason. Why spend the money on something that doesn't work? So finally he agreed to help me. He wants me to go back on the Duragesic Patches, but I don't have medication insurance and these things cost starting at around $200 for only 5 patches, which is 10-15 days of medication. So for now I am on Darvocet-N 100's until I see my Rheumy in about a week and a half so we can find a long term solution. Any recommedations that you have that would fall between Vicodin and Duragesic would be helpful because I want to make a list of meds I would be willing to go on that are price worthy for me.
I also had X-Rays done of my chest and back to make sure that I haven't cracked any ribs or hurt anything. I didn't see anything then again I am not a Radiologist. I also had to pee in a cup, which I hate doing. For guys giving a urine sample is such an easy thing, but for women it is a course in navigation....blind navigation to boot!
On Monday, I get to see my Fibromyalgia Specialist, who I haven't seen in 18 months. His name is Dr. Don Goldenberg. Anyone who is up on their Fibromyalgia or Chronic Fatigue literature, should be familiar with his name. He is a good guy and he may be able to help me with a couple of things as well. I only see him every two years or so to see how I am progressing and to help my regular docs with my Fibromyalgia care. He can recommend a path of treatment that they may have never thought of or heard of before. He is mainly a researcher and author for Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue (I have one of his books), but he does see patients only as a specialist and not as a doc you would see on a regular basis. My husband, who has met him, thinks he is a quack, but knowing how Rheumys work, I trust him with any recommendations he may have.
Well, life beyond that has been a little hectic this week for me. Between carting Todd back and forth to work 40 minutes each way so I can have my car for doctor appointments Wednesday and Thursday and getting all the paperwork ready so that Todd can pickup his car, I am a little tired. Luckily Todd gets his car this afternoon after he gets out of work and I finally get my car back! So while Todd is at work, I will take my Darvocet and relax, watch crappy TV and possibly take a nap. I have already cleaned the bathroom a little because today was the first day I could lift my shoulders above my head for longer that a quick washing of my hair in the shower, so my doing the dishes energy and shaving my legs energy is gone for the day. While I do have a little energy because of the Darvocet, I still don't know for sure if I have to be careful with the whole ribs thing.


Well, that is all for now.....it seems like I wrote alot but since I wasn't able to log on when I wanted...there was quite a bit to share.
This blog is all about sharing....the bad and the good. I hope that gives you all, my dear readers, some relief that there can be some good mixed in with the bad of CP.

Today yet another doctor's appointment

Well, I am seeing my internist who is my General Practitioner today. After seeing my Rheumy what seems like 5 million times a few weeks ago, I am not looking forward to this appointment. I have to tell him about my fall in the tub earlier in the week and how much I still hurt from it. I did something but I am not sure what or how badly. I am not even sure if he will order X-Rays. My left side of my chest hurts when I breathe deeply so I feel that I may have bruised something, who knows what the doctor will think.
I am also telling him I stopping the Cymbalta and the Neurontin because I can't afford it and I don't think they are controlling my pain at all. I know that my doc doesn't want to give me pain killers because he sees them as the end of the line, almost like a failure on his part.
I know I may have to fight for some pain control that I need. I am just so tired of fighting for what I need. I shouldn't have to. The doctor should listen to the patient and do what is good for the patient, not what is good for his "ego" or feelings.
Nothing seems to be working anymore. I need something stronger to help my pain. I hope that he will listen to me and be the "advocate" that he said he would be when I first saw him.
This whole post could be the withdrawl from the Cymbalta/Neurontin talking, the tiredness talking, the pain talking. Who knows. All I know is what my doctors are doing isn't helping me and I am hurting and I need their help. I guess the big question will be will he listen and help me? I will come back later today and update the Blog about my appointment....that will be later this afternoon.
Wish me luck!

Deep Thoughts

A friend of mine brought up some ideas that I haven't thought to bring up before here on this Blog of mine. Deep thoughts, scary thoughts.
SUICIDAL THOUGHTS! Has anyone thought that their chronic pain was a burden to your loved ones and that by going "away" would solve the problem. I know that this topic for the most part is TABOO a NO-NO! Oh don't talk about that, hushed voices go through the room. There is no need to talk about that, you have EVERYTHING to live for as they list of all the so called good things in your life. While they do that, you list off all of the good reasons to lessen their burden and to go ahead....why not....you are sitting in a house/apartment/room, alone trying to keep it together with the help of meds and doctors. Each time you think of the the things that have failed. The meds, the treatments, the appointments. Each disappointment you keep to yourself because you think no one will understand your mood/spirit or lack therof. You sit and say everything was fine, they found nothing....nothing has changed. In a way they are right, nothing has changed....on the outside. Inside you are falling apart , just one more doctor, one more appointment, one more disappointment. They won't help, they don't know how. Especially people with the "invisible" illnesses like Fibromyalgia, Crohns Disease, Colitis etc. Then there are the people who are wired for sound and the treatment or surgery have failed them and they have limited options left to them. Your thoughts churn and churn.....who do you tell? Your family? Nah, they have all heard the stories before. Your online chatboard friends? Nah, they have their own problems. All you have left is you. And you have been here before...many times. Over and over the anguish and pain just churns round and round. What do you do with it??? For me, it is this Blog. For others, it is painting , poetry, writing books and going to meetings.
Please find your outlet, these thoughts are dangerous and can lead you down a bad path. As you can see, this Blog has been my voice, a voice I could never speak out loud for fear of being shamed, yelled at, pulled away from and just walked away from.
Speaking from experience, my family has pulled away from me, I cannot speak to my husband about every little ache, pain and ouchie. Trust me I have tried and for some reason he pulls into a shell and now there is this wall between us. The wall of Chronic Pain. The wall that will in my case never go away.
I hope for all of you, the wall of Chronic Pain has not become such a burden that you cannot express yourself in whatever manner you feel comfortable. A journal may be best for some, for me I went public I guess. A Blog is a public journal in a way.
When I was first diagnosed, there was very few places for me to go for support and information. In my own way, I want to show that people are not alone there are others, millions of others who share your feelings and experiences in various ways. Please if anything you take with you from this post YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!
Feel free to use this Blog to either email me using the link in my profile or use the link at the bottom of the post to make a comment. Don't worry, you won't hurt my feelings. Everyone reacts different and you have your right to feel the way you do.

Ah the joys of Chronic Pain!

Afternoon all!
Sorry I haven't posted for a couple of days but I have been bed-ridden since Monday. You see, I fell in the bathtub and hurt myself pretty good on my left side. My back through to my chest hurt and still does. Luckily I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and he will check to see if I did some serious damage to my left side. I think I may have bruised some ribs because everytime I breathe in deep my left side hurts, but not my right. My left shoulder also hurts so I think I did something but who knows what. I guess I will find out tomorrow.
I will let you all know as soon as I do!
Just wanted to let you know I am still alive.

The unspoken side of CP

Well most people don't talk about this subject so if you are offended I suggest you stop reading now. This post will be about SEX! Yes....sex!
Well, it all started on Friday when let's say I was in the "mood" and my husband wanted to watch the Red Sox game.....we live in Red Sox Nation you know! Well, the last time we actually did anything was months ago and he was drunk to the 9's . So part of me feels that he doesn't want me because I gained 40 pounds because of the medication I am on and the other because he doesn't find me attractive anymore and the only time he will is when he's been drinking. Either way it hurt me immencely.
Well, anyway, I went to bed crying again and he never noticed. Not until the next morning that is when I had a slight attitude with him because I was still hurt by what happened. He accused me of playing games, which hurt even more. Then he slammed the door as he left to do an errand.
Some time apart helped but he still feels I was out of line when we talked about it later. We always talk about it later and I feel the same way, hurt. Like it is my fault. Like I did something wrong.
I guess my body at 40 pounds heavier isn't as attractive as it was when I met him in 1998, but didn't our vows say for better or worse? He didn't explain his part, I guess he didn't feel he needed to. Men, could you help me out here? I know you read my posts and can post without my knowing your name.
He seems to have no problem with online pictures.....I have caught him in the middle (not sure if he knows that I know) while going to the bathroom quite a few times so the desire is there, but not with me. I guess that is what makes me so sad. He can pardon my words "get off" to online pictures but not with me. I unfortunately I have found the day after "evidence" when cleaning up the living room, where the computer is. It hurts me greatly and he keeps saying that it is his anti-depressants but I know now that is an excuse. So I know it is physically possible but I guess not with me.
Is it my weight? My illness? Just plain me?
I need some help from the gentlemen on this one. Don't be afraid of offending me, I need the truth eventhough it may sting a little.
Thanks guys.